Imagine reaching for your phone because something funny has happened. You know just who you want to tell. Then you remember that the person has died.
The moment doesn’t have to be dramatic. You could be in the kitchen, waiting for the bus, or looking at that message you’ve nearly sent. The pain is in reaching for them out of habit and realising they’re not there.
When someone you love dies, grief can show itself in those moments. It can affect your feelings, what you notice, and how you get through your day. It can also be hard to recognize. You may feel sadness, anger, relief, numbness, or several of these at once. You may not even have the words to describe it. None of those reactions is a test you have to pass.
This week we look at some of the questions that come about after a death. You don’t have to read them in any order, and you don’t have to feel any better by a certain date. Let’s start with what life looks like when someone’s not there.
The day keeps asking things of you
There can be a strange contrast between your loss and what the day still asks of you. A meal needs preparing. A class starts. Someone may ask a question unrelated to the person who’s died. The bus comes. The dishes accumulate. People are still talking about their plans.
For some of us, those little tasks provide useful structure. For others, they can feel impossible or even insulting. Both responses make sense; neither tells the whole story of anyone’s grief.
If the day feels hard, then try making your next decision a bit smaller. Rather than plan the whole week, ask yourself, “Is there something to eat? Is there a place to rest? Is there someone who can sit with me?” If you’re young, then a trusted adult can help. If the first person you ask can’t help, then try another relative, teacher, school counselor, friend, or health professional.
This is not a list of steps to grieve the ‘right’ way. It’s a reminder that you don’t necessarily have to do it all yourself.
Grief after losing a loved one has no single shape
People often think of grief as crying. Crying may be part of it, but it’s not the only way in which a death affects a person. The NHS lists possible reactions (shock, sadness, fatigue, anger, guilt, etc.) and notes that these feelings can come and go. NHS: Grief after bereavement or loss
At first you may not actually feel much at all. You may feel relief that the person who had been suffering is no longer in pain. You may then feel guilty about that. You may be angry about things that happened before the death. Your relationship could have been very close, very distant, very difficult, or a mixture of all of the above.
You don’t have to simplify your story to make people comfortable. Loving someone doesn’t erase the difficult times. Remembering the difficult times doesn’t erase the good ones.
You can’t reliably measure someone’s grief by how quiet or expressive they seem. Someone who’s laughing at a familiar joke may well be in the midst of grief. Someone who doesn’t cry at a gathering may well be in the midst of grief. You can’t know the full story from the outside.
When the relationship doesn’t fit the expected story
The person who died could have been a friend, a relative, a partner, a neighbor, a teacher, or indeed someone whose place in your life you just can’t quite put your finger on. Others may not even know how much they meant to you.
Sometimes support goes to people whose relationships are most obvious. Cruse Bereavement Support describes how friends can experience feeling left out after a death. Cruse: Losing a friend
A friend who shared weekly dinners, a neighbor who exchanged messages every morning, or a former partner who remained close may find that few people ask how they are doing. If that’s you, then it can be lonely to stand there watching others remember the person who died while you’re not quite sure there’s any room in the world for your own memories.
You don’t need a special title to say that someone was important to you. If it helps, you can tell a trusted person something specific: “We used to talk every week, and I’m finding the quiet difficult.” You don’t need to go into the whole of the relationship. That one sentence can do a lot to help others understand.
You’re also entitled to keep things to yourself. Privacy can be very comforting, especially if you’re not sure what to say or whether someone will listen kindly.
Bereavement and the work no one sees
Some of the work that follows a death is very obvious: arranging a ceremony, notifying people, sorting belongings, or finding documents. Other work is less obvious. You might be trying to remember who you’ve already told, explain the death to a child, make decisions with relatives who disagree, or get through the day on very little sleep.
The responsibilities aren’t always evenly distributed. One person may take the calls; another may do the cooking. A child may have to get used to a new school routine or have someone else come and collect them. A close friend may be keen to help but not have a clear place in the family’s plans. People can grieve while taking on different roles.
If people offer to help, it’s perfectly fine to ask for something specific. They could do the shopping, go with you to an appointment, answer a message, or look after a pet. You might want someone to be there with you without talking. “Could you come over and help me with dinner?” is a good example of a request that gives the other person something tangible to do.
Not all offers will be useful. One person might be quite keen to help in a way that actually adds to your load, or they might expect you to comfort them while you are struggling yourself. You can appreciate the offer and still say no. “Thanks for thinking of me. I don’t have the energy for visitors today” is all that’s required.
For younger kids, adults will make some decisions after a death. That doesn’t diminish the importance of your questions. If you don’t understand what’s happening, ask someone you trust to explain it in a way that makes sense. You can ask the same question again and again. You can also say that you need a break from the conversation.
Finding words for grief after a death
People sometimes expect someone grieving to explain what they’re feeling. It’s difficult to put grief into words, particularly when the emotions are in flux or even contradictory. It’s often far easier to say “I’m fine” than to describe a day that felt manageable until it suddenly didn’t.
You can decide how much to explain to each person. It can be quite useful to pick one sentence that expresses what you’re trying to say. “Today is harder than I expected” is perfectly honest and doesn’t need further explanation. “I’d rather talk about something else” lets your friend know you’d like to change the subject. “I don’t know what I feel yet” is also a perfectly valid response.
People around you may be unsure, too. They might avoid mentioning the person because they don’t want to upset you. You, on the other hand, may be keen for someone to say the person’s name. You may want a quiet day without a conversation about the death. Your preference may change over time. If you feel it’s safe to do so, then you can let people know what you’d like. “I’d like to hear a story about them” or “I know you care, but I don’t want to talk about it at this moment” would be perfectly acceptable.
If you’re supporting someone else, you don’t necessarily need the perfect words. Listening, remembering what they’ve asked for, and checking in later can be more important than having something particularly brilliant to say. The most important thing is to allow space for their response even if they don’t want to talk.
There may be more than one loss
Losing someone can affect all sorts of other things in your life. You may lose your daily companion, your source of income, your carer, or the person who kept the house going. A child may lose not just the person they loved but also their routine and the person who was there after school. A friend may miss their place in a group that no longer gathers in quite the same way.
Talking about the changes doesn’t mean that all you valued was what they did for you. It’s about the many roles the relationship played. You can miss someone deeply and still worry about practical things. You might wonder how to pay a bill, prepare a favorite dish, or keep a family tradition going. Those may be things you think about after a loss, and they do not diminish the reality of the love you had.
Some things may not be yours to fix right away. If you rely on someone for accommodation, care, or money, contacting a trusted adult, a local community group, or a local service may be a sensible first step. What’s available will vary depending on your circumstances and where you live. A trusted person can help you look at the options without necessarily expecting you to have it all figured out straight away.
You may not know what you’ve lost at first. What is missing can become clearer over time, in moments you did not expect. This week we’ll give some of those moments their own space, including everyday routines and reminders that can carry so much feeling.
The first time you have to say it
At some stage you may need to tell someone that the person has died. The person you’re speaking to may not have heard yet. A form may ask for an emergency contact, or someone may have phoned and asked for them. You might have rehearsed the words and still find them difficult to say.
No announcement can protect everyone from feeling sad. You might say, “My grandfather died last week.” If you’re not ready to go any further, you can say, “I’m not ready to talk about it.” Someone else may be able to tell a group for you, especially when repeating the news feels exhausting.
It can feel awkward after you’ve shared the news. The other person might apologize, go completely silent, ask a question, or be utterly at a loss for what to do. That awkwardness is not yours to fix. If you’ve got the energy, you could say what would help: “You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know.” If you don’t have the energy, it’s perfectly acceptable to end the conversation there.
For a child, clear language is particularly helpful. “Went away” or “went to sleep” can be confusing when someone has died. Child Bereavement UK recommends an honest explanation in language that is appropriate to the child’s age and level of understanding. A trusted adult can answer any questions and come back to them when the child is ready. Child Bereavement UK: How can we help to support a grieving child?
When people grieve in different ways
Two people can miss the same person and still respond in ways that are difficult for each other to understand. One might want to talk about them every day. The other might be quiet or prefer to stay busy. One may be keen to look at the photos straight away, and the other may not be ready yet.
These differences can feel personal. If you’re in the mood to talk and they’re the ones who change the subject, it can feel as though they’ve forgotten the person who died. If you need some quiet and they keep asking questions, it can feel like they’re not listening. You may both be managing in your own way. Older disagreements or unsafe patterns may make things more complicated. You don’t need to excuse unkind behavior to acknowledge that people grieve differently.
When you can talk about it, a small request may be easier to hear than a judgment. Rather than go in with the assumption that they don’t care at all, you could say, “I’d like to have a word with you about her for a few minutes. Is that a good time?” They can then answer honestly. If it’s not a good time, then you may be able to find someone else to talk to. If the person has repeatedly been hurtful, you can choose a different source of support.
You may find that the same family memory can mean different things to different people. One person remembers a meal as a happy gathering; another remembers an argument afterward. Making room for both accounts doesn’t mean their experiences were the same. A family or a friendship can be full of love, warmth, difficulty, anger, and unanswered questions.
Grieving a loved one when the relationship was complicated
A loss doesn’t always come with a simple story of closeness. You may miss someone who hurt you. You can be angry with someone you loved. You may feel very little after the death of someone others expected you to mourn. You can mourn the loss of the opportunity for the relationship to work out, as well as the person themselves.
Public rituals don’t necessarily provide space for those feelings. You might be at a gathering and hear stories that differ from your own. Someone might say something quite lovely about the person, and you may be unsure what to say. You don’t have to correct everyone or accept a version of the relationship that isn’t true for you.
Talk to someone you trust in confidence if you wish; it may help you work through your conflicting emotions. You might say, “I loved him, but some things were difficult,” or “I’m feeling more than one thing, and I just can’t put it into words.” A counselor or other professional can also help if you want to discuss a relationship that feels too complicated to share with family.
For now, you don’t have to answer every question the relationship left you with. You can remember the good and still acknowledge the painful aspects. You can set boundaries and still recognize the effect this death has had on you. Your experience deserves to be expressed in honest words, in all its complexity.
What can a normal day contain?
You may find comfort in parts of the day (a friend sending you a silly message, a good meal, a particular show that makes you laugh). These moments don’t require a verdict on how well you are coping. They can exist within a day that also holds sadness, uncertainty, or exhaustion.
If you’re after a very small thing to do to look after yourself, choose something that works for you. A glass of water, a few minutes outside, a familiar song, or a chat with someone you know and trust might help you feel a bit more grounded. None of that is a cure, and none of it is essential. If something doesn’t help, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
Some days, looking after yourself can mean letting someone else help you. A friend could sit with you while you make a phone call. A family member can explain something you don’t quite understand. A teacher can help you work out a plan for missed schoolwork. You don’t need to find perfect words. You could start by asking, “Can you help me work out what to do next?”
If you find you need more support than those around you can provide, it may be worth speaking to a local health professional, a counselor, or a bereavement service. You don’t have to show that your grief is of a serious enough nature to warrant that kind of support. If you’re not sure where to start, a trusted person may be able to help you find the right service.
Asking for company, not perfect answers
People often worry about what to say to someone who is in mourning. You may have your own worries. You may not know what you need, or you may not want to bother anyone.
If you have someone you trust, it can help to ask for something small and specific. “Could you just sit with me?” “Would you like to have a chat about something quite mundane for a bit?” “Would you be able to help me work out what I need to do today?” A child or young person might ask a trusted adult to help them find the words, talk to someone at school, or have someone there.
Not everyone will respond the way you’d like. One person might give you advice when all you really wanted was company, or they might change the subject because they’re not comfortable with the topic. That can hurt. That doesn’t invalidate your need, and you don’t have to keep going back to the same person.
If the grief is overwhelming and life feels too hard day to day, a local health professional, counselor, or bereavement service can help. If you are in any immediate danger or you think you might harm yourself, then please get in touch with emergency services or someone who can be with you to get you the urgent support you need. Younger readers should get a trusted adult involved straight away.
For today
You may find that reality feels different each time you notice it. You don’t have to work out what the death means today or what comes next. A kind place to start may be noticing what today is asking of you and whether it would be easier with someone there with you.
Tomorrow we’ll look at the little reminders that can crop up out of the blue and the many feelings a simple song or common object can provoke.
