Jessica: Arabella, do you ever feel like the modern world sets us up for a particular kind of failure? People constantly tell us to set monumental goals and dream bigger than ever, but then we're left with nagging dissatisfaction when our actual lives don't quite live up to our expectations.
Arabella: That's the exact tension. We feel a gap between the life we desire and the life we have. It's precisely this predicament that the journalist Oliver Burkeman confronts in his book Meditations for Mortals. And for anyone wrestling with that same feeling, welcome to averstance Take.
Jessica: I'm already a bit wary. His answer isn't just to ‘try harder,' is it?
Arabella: Quite the opposite. He argues that we fail to achieve our goals not because we are incapable but because we focus on the wrong things fundamentally. He suggests that instead of fighting our limitations, we need to embrace them. He presents a four-step method for doing just that.
Jessica: Embrace limitations? That sounds like a recipe for mediocrity. I'm already skeptical, Arabella. Let's get into it.
Arabella: Alright, let's start with Burkeman's first and perhaps most challenging step: you must work within your limitations. He states that, as human beings, we have finite resources and a finite number of opportunities. While dreaming big is fine, he argues we must be realistic; otherwise, we waste our time and energy on things we can never attain. The real goal should be to flourish within our actual realm of possibility.
Jessica: I have to push back on that immediately. Isn't that just a sophisticated way of saying “give up on your dreams”? It feels like an excuse. If everyone just accepted their current “realm of possibility,” we'd have no innovation, no great art, no breakthroughs.
Arabella: I see why you would think that, but Burkeman frames it differently. His first strategy to achieve this is to change your mindset. He wants you to accurately assess your reality so you can let go of these unreachable ideals. For example, he presents a scenario where you want to write a book, act in a TV show, and write a song. However, you work a full-time job, and you aren't a musician or an actor. Acting and songwriting are not currently in your realm of possibility because you lack the time, knowledge, or connections. However, you do have writing experience and can dedicate an hour each day to working on a book. He argues that once you acknowledge writing is a realistic possibility, you feel more encouraged to act because the goal seems attainable.
Jessica: So you discard the other dreams? That feels limiting. You're telling me to pick the ‘easiest' path and forget the others? What if acting is my true passion?
Arabella: It's not about discarding them forever, but about focusing energy effectively right now. As I read this, it reminded me of David McRaney's work. In his book “You Are Not So Smart,” he explains that cognitive biases, such as the Dunning-Kruger effect, cause us to overestimate our abilities in areas where we are weak, and the self-serving bias leads us to perceive ourselves in an overly optimistic light. These biases prevent us from accurately assessing our skills. As Burkeman suggests, we waste time on impractical goals because we mistakenly believe we're more likely to attain them than we are. Burkeman also says that focusing on current possibilities stops you from wasting present time by constantly worrying about the future. You should trust yourself to handle future situations when they arise.
Jessica: “Stop worrying about the future.” That's a nice thought, but isn't that just fighting human nature? Our brains wire us to think ahead as a survival mechanism. Telling someone not to worry is like telling them not to breathe.
Arabella: That's a fair point, and I found an interesting take on this. You can embrace that forward-thinking nature while still following Burkeman's advice by practicing manifestation. Rhonda Byrne, in The Secret, explains that you can replace worrying thoughts about the future with positive affirmations and visions. You then act as if that manifestation is already true. For instance, if you own a business, instead of worrying it will fail, you tell yourself it will succeed and imagine it flourishing. Then, you may act as if it's already successful by creating a slogan for a future TV ad. This channels that future-oriented energy positively.
Jessica: Alright, I can see how reframing it could work for some. So, after we change our mindset, what does Burkeman suggest next for working within these supposed limitations?
Arabella: His second strategy is to narrow your scope. The approach involves two key steps: limiting your commitments and reducing the amount of information you consume. First, he argues that to make progress, you must quit unfulfilling obligations. Most of us have commitments that we don't find satisfying, and these waste the time and emotional energy we should be using for things that bring fulfillment. He recommends that you identify the consequences of quitting, decide if you can face them, and then take action to escape indecision.
Jessica: But how do you know if a commitment is “unfulfilling” versus just difficult? Sometimes, the most beneficial things are hard in the moment. Quitting something just because it doesn't feel good today seems shortsighted.
Arabella: An excellent point. I was thinking about that, and it reminded me of what Matthew Dicks suggests in his book Someday Is Today. He argues that focusing solely on what feels fulfilling in the present can lead you astray. Sometimes, commitments are essential in the present but ultimately prove to be unbeneficial in the long term. To figure it out, Dicks recommends you consider what your 100-year-old self would think. If that future self is glad you did it, you should stick with it; if not, you can let it go.
Jessica: The 100-year-old self-test. I like that. It provides a better filter. What was the second part of narrowing your scope?
Arabella: The second part is limiting the information you consume. Burkeman points out that the constant flood of news and social media diverts our attention, preventing us from absorbing useful information. He makes two recommendations: first, only pay attention to information that interests you and is useful now—don't hoard it for some unknown future problem. Second, focus on just one or two social issues where you can make a difference so every injustice in the world doesn't burden you.
Jessica: Nice in theory, but completely impractical. We live in a digital age. You can't just stick your head in the sand. Ignoring information that might be useful later seems foolish, and focusing solely on one or two social issues feels irresponsible.
Arabella: I had the same reaction, and it led me to some fascinating research from Tiago Forte. In his book Building a Second Brain, he reiterates that our minds can't handle the modern information deluge. However, he says the solution isn't to limit consumption but to implement an effective organizational system. So, instead of ignoring information that might be useful later, as Burkeman recommends, Tiago Forte advises saving it in a digital “hold” folder. You can then access it when it becomes relevant or delete it if it proves useless. He also suggests organizing information into multiple folders, which could help you manage several projects or social causes you care about rather than just the one or two Burkeman suggests.
Jessica: See, that makes much more sense. Organize and manage; don't just ignore. What's the final strategy in this first step?
Arabella: The third strategy is to plant seeds for success. The approach means implementing two habits: taking action every single day, no matter how small, and keeping track of what you accomplish. He explains that people get stuck because they focus too much on potential obstacles or on planning the perfect method. He says you should do something meaningful every day that contributes to your goal. If your laptop breaks, repair it or use an alternative device to write your book.
Jessica: That's a classic piece of advice, but if it were that easy, everyone would do it. People are masters of procrastination. The broken laptop is the perfect excuse.
Arabella: It is, and I found a great point on this from Matthew Dicks again in Someday Is Today. He explains that we neglect these small steps because we're waiting for perfect conditions. To overcome this, Dicks suggests using every spare moment productively. If you get to work 10 minutes early, use that time to brainstorm your book, for instance. The second part of planting seeds is tracking your accomplishments. Burkeman argues that noting your achievements encourages you to continue pursuing them. The more items you add to your completed list for a goal, the more motivated you feel to keep adding to it.
Jessica: I can see how that creates momentum. But does just tracking the end goal work? Does it build the proper habits?
Arabella: That's a sharp question. The American Psychological Association reiterates that recording progress increases the likelihood of achieving your goals. But they also note that strictly tracking goal progress doesn't encourage the behaviors associated with the goal. For example, tracking how close you are to finishing a book helps you finish it, but it won't encourage the habit of consistent writing needed for a career as an author. Depending on the goal, you may need to track both your progress and the related behaviors.
Jessica: Okay, so Step One is all about getting brutally realistic, narrowing your focus, and then planting seeds with small, consistent actions. It's a lot to take in. Where does Burkeman take us from here?
Arabella: In step two, “Get Moving,” the author directs you to take action. Once you've adjusted your mindset, he says it's time to take action, but in a reasonable manner. The first strategy here is to take decisive action. You need to figure out what you want to do and what you don't. Burkeman advises taking an inventory of your current options, deciding what to pursue, and leaving the rest behind. He gives the example of having free time to either write your book, renovate your basement, or attend acting classes. You must choose one and drop the other two for now, or you'll achieve nothing. He insists that you must make decisions, big and small, and act on them immediately.
Jessica: That sounds incredibly stressful. Making immediate, final decisions on everything from lunch to life goals? It feels like it would create more anxiety, not less.
Arabella: He deepens the idea by saying that once you become decisive, you must identify your “life task.” Life isn't just a goal; it's a current pursuit that pushes you to improve in some way. It's about growth, not just outward achievement. For example, writing a book is a goal, but becoming a writer—someone who expresses themself creatively—is a life task. These tasks must expand your comfort zone for long-term growth and be achievable within your current limitations.
Jessica: “Life task.” Where does that term come from? It sounds very philosophical.
Arabella: It is. Upon further investigation, I discovered that psychologist Alfred Adler developed the theory of “life tasks.” Adler specified three main types: work tasks that benefit the community, social functions that connect us to others, and love tasks centered on intimacy. Later, psychologists added two more: self-tasks, which involve uncovering your authentic self, and spiritual tasks, which focus on understanding existence. While Burkeman seems to concentrate on work and social tasks, Adler's original theory suggests that goals related to your spiritual or romantic journeys are just as valid and essential.
Jessica: That broader context is helpful. So, you've identified your life task. What's the next action strategy?
Arabella: Next, you make and execute a plan. A key aspect of this is breaking down big goals into smaller, more manageable tasks. He specifically calls out perfectionists here, who often avoid big tasks because they fear failure; however, breaking a daunting task into ten smaller, easier ones makes it more enticing. These small accomplishments also encourage you to keep going.
Jessica: Breaking down goals is solid advice, but people still get stuck in the planning phase. How does he suggest turning that plan into consistent action?
Arabella: That's a great point. I found a valuable framework for this in Brian Tracy's book Eat That Frog. Tracy says that once you have your goal, you should write it down, list all the steps, and then organize those steps into a plan by priority and deadline. And then, just as Burkeman recommends, you must act immediately and consistently. Burkeman also adds that you should tackle the little, annoying tasks that cause anxiety, like paying a bill, right away. He suggests dedicating a few minutes every day to handling them so they don't drain your happiness.
Jessica: That makes sense. It's the death-by-a-thousand-cuts of administrative life. But what about the big work? How does he suggest we approach that without burning out?
Arabella: This leads to his final strategy for this step: be reasonable with yourself. He offers three methods. First, build in leniency. Consistency is key, but forcing yourself to be perfect is unrealistic. So, instead of aiming to work on your goal seven days a week, aim for five. Second, spend your time wisely. Burkeman says people can only concentrate intensely for three to four hours at a time. Pushing beyond that leads to burnout and lower-quality work.
Jessica: Three to four hours? Many people feel they need to be ‘on' for eight hours straight. And how do you even get into that intense focus state to begin with?
Arabella: That state of intense focus is often called “flow,” and I found some great advice on how to reach it in the book Ikigai by Francesc Miralles and Hector Garcia. They say you should choose a task that is challenging but possible, set a clear objective for the session, and—as Burkeman also recommends—avoid all distractions and focus on only that one task.
Jessica: Okay, so build in leniency and respect your focus window. What's the third way to be reasonable?
Arabella: The third way is to take problems in stride. Burkeman points out that people often hold the false belief that they will one day achieve a life free from problems. This belief causes us to stress not just about the problem but about the fact that we have a problem. He advises us to remember that problems are a natural and constant part of life.
Jessica: That sounds a bit defeatist. Just accept that life will always have problems. Where's the motivation to solve them?
Arabella: It's not defeatist; it's realistic. It resonates strongly with the Stoic principle of logos, which Marcus Aurelius explores in his Meditations. Logos is a guiding force in the universe, ensuring everything happens as it should. The principle means everything that happens to you, good or bad, is part of a larger order. You can't prevent problems that are out of your control, but you can make peace with the fact that life ebbs and flows.
Jessica: Stoicism and embracing limitations. So, after we get realistic and get moving, what is Burkeman's significant third step?
Arabella: Step three is to “Loosen Your Grip.” Burkeman explains that our desire for control creates a lot of anxiety in our lives. His first strategy here is to stop magnifying situations. Our anxiety and perfectionism make goals and problems seem bigger than they are, which discourages us. To counter this, he suggests pretending your goals are easy. This perspective makes them feel more manageable, especially if you've already broken them into smaller tasks.
Jessica: “Pretend your goals are easy”? How does that work? If a goal is genuinely challenging, pretending it's easy feels like lying to yourself.
Arabella: It's about shifting your internal narrative. I found a remarkable parallel to this in Tony Robbins' book, Awaken the Giant Within. He talks about using “transformational language” to promote empowering thoughts. So, you don't just pretend your goals are easy. You verbally tell yourself they are. You can reframe complex tasks as “ambitious” and challenges as “puzzles” instead of “setbacks.” Changing the words changes how you feel about the work.
Jessica: Language is powerful; I can accept that. What else does Burkeman say we magnify?
Arabella: He says we need to stop trying to control other people's emotions. We often change our own decisions to avoid making others feel bad, even when their preferred path isn't in our best interest. Burkeman explains you can never truly control how others think, so you shouldn't base your decisions on trying to please them. You should take their feelings into account but ultimately decide based on what's best for you.
Jessica: That is so much easier said than done, especially for people-pleasers. It can feel like a fundamental part of their identity.
Arabella: It isn't easy. For those who struggle, psychologists suggest a few tips I came across. First, spend more time alone to pinpoint what you want, separate from outside influence. And second, practice being assertive. If someone's attitude is making it hard for you to do what's right for you, you need to express that to them. Finally, Burkeman advises against obsessing over creating perfect work and instead focuses on consistently producing work that is flawed. If you wait for a brilliant idea, you might wait forever. Pushing through the desire for perfection leads to much more progress.
Jessica: The classic “perfect is the enemy of good.” But where do you draw the line? How do you know if your work is “good enough” versus just plain bad?
Arabella: Julia Cameron offers a great perspective on this in The Artist's Way. She reiterates that regular production is more important than perfection, adding that the more you produce, the closer you get to something brilliant. She suggests you can get comfortable with this by defining what “good enough” means for you. While a perfectionist wants to write a perfect first draft, the ‘good enough' approach challenges them to write a draft that is merely good enough and then refine it later.
Jessica: That's a practical way to think about it. Define your own “good enough.” So, we stop magnifying things. What's the following strategy for loosening our grip?
Arabella: The next strategy is to “Go With the Flow” by embracing resonance. He explains resonance as engaging meaningfully with your environment and relationships and seeing life's unpredictability as a gift rather than an inconvenience. When we try to control everything, we create unnecessary anxiety. Embracing resonance helps you see that a seemingly random, inconvenient event—such as your car breaking down—might lead to a meaningful connection, like forming a friendship with the person who stopped to help.
Jessica: That feels a bit like finding meaning where there isn't any. Aren't our brains just creating a nice story to make sense of random chaos?
Arabella: You've hit on a key point. David McRaney, in You Are Not So Smart, suggests that the sense of meaning we find in these moments is indeed something our brains create to bring order to randomness. He says this can make life more fulfilling, as Burkeman argues, but he cautions that we must be careful not to let this tendency lead to bad choices. For example, if that new friend who helped with your car treats you poorly, you shouldn't keep them around just because you think your meeting was fated. You must base the decision on the facts of the situation.
Jessica: That's a critical distinction. So, how does Burkeman suggest we practice this “resonance” daily?
Arabella: He says you should do what you can to achieve your goals, but when interruptions occur, you should engage with them instead of resisting. For example, if you're sticking to your schedule and a guest visits your office, you engage with the interruption instead of fuming about it. You never know; it might give you a burst of inspiration.
Jessica: That requires a lot of mental flexibility. Let's move on to the final step. We've accepted our limits, we've gotten moving, we've loosened our grip. What is Burkeman's final piece of the puzzle?
Arabella: The fourth and final step is to find peace and happiness in the present. The first strategy here is to make the most of the present moment. He says we must try our hardest and be our best selves now, not at some future point in time. Many people treat the present as just a means to an end, a practice for a better future, but he argues that this mindset prevents them from ever reaching their full potential. If you want to be an actor in the future, you must start practicing like that actor would practice today.
Jessica: That sounds like “fake it till you make it,” but with more intention. But what does “being your best self now” really entail?
Arabella: I found a helpful clarification on this from Benjamin Hardy in his book Be Your Future Self Now. He says you first need to identify your “future self clearly”—the happiest, smartest, most successful version of you. You envision who this person is, what their life looks like, and what they have accomplished. Those accomplishments become the goals you start working toward right now in the present.
Jessica: I see. It gives a clear target for your present actions. What else does Burkeman say about living in the present?
Arabella: He says we must take our present circumstances seriously. People often avoid commitments because it doesn't feel like the ‘right time,' or they overwork themselves, thinking that sacrificing happiness now will pay off later. Burkeman argues that time is finite and every moment counts. Your life right now is just as serious and honest as your plans, so you must cherish the opportunities for happiness that exist in the present.
Jessica: That's a sobering thought. That the life you're living right now isn't a dress rehearsal. So, how do we find peace in this present moment, especially when it's imperfect?
Arabella: That leads to his final strategy: detach from unrealistic expectations. The approach involves three things. First, you must be your authentic self, embracing all your imperfections. He argues that being inauthentic prevents genuine connection with yourself and others, whereas exposing your flaws creates a more supportive environment.
Jessica: But being authentic can be terrifying. People fear rejection from loved ones or that they'll be challenging societal expectations.
Arabella: Absolutely, and Brené Brown speaks to this directly in The Gifts of Imperfection. She notes those two fears are the significant barriers to authenticity. But she recommends reminding yourself that the consequences of living inauthentically—like depression, anxiety, and barring yourself from success and happiness—are far more severe than any criticism you might face for being your true self.
Jessica: That's a powerful reframing. What's the second way to detach from expectations?
Arabella: The second way is to let go of your desire for permanence. He says you should enjoy the present without constantly trying to prolong or improve it. All things in life are transient, and trying to cling to them is a waste of energy. Worrying about how to make a good moment even better prevents you from actually enjoying it. For example, instead of obsessively photographing an event to preserve the memory, take the time to appreciate what's happening around you truly. Awareness maximizes your current happiness and dispels the anxiety about the moment ending.
Jessica: And the final piece of detaching from unrealistic expectations?
Arabella: The final piece is to be realistic about your self-expectations. Instead of striving for your actions to have some huge, world-changing impact, you should appreciate the slight differences you can make in your immediate environment. Burkeman believes our need to leave a grand legacy stems from a fear of mortality—we're afraid of being forgotten. But he argues that in the grand scheme of the universe, our actions don't matter that much, whether they're life-changing or not. So, instead of holding yourself to standards that leave you disappointed, you should take pleasure in the mundane things you can do to make a slight difference right here, right now.
Jessica: That sounds incredibly bleak. “Your actions don't matter.” How is that supposed to motivate anyone to do anything good at all?
Arabella: I thought the same thing, but then I remembered what Marcus Aurelius wrote in Meditations. He echoes this sentiment that our actions are small in the grand scheme of time and the universe. However, because of this, he argues that the most meaningful impact you can have is to strive to benefit the common good rather than chasing success that only feeds your ego. So, instead of aiming to get your business on a famous list, you could aim to make enough money to donate a million dollars to charity. The focus shifts from legacy to immediate, tangible good.
Jessica: Shifting from ego to impact. That I can get behind; it's a much more empowering way to look at it.
Arabella: So, after taking in all these ideas, I've designed a practical, three-part exercise to help put Burkeman's philosophy into action.
Jessica: Let's hear it.
Arabella: Part One is what I call The Reality Audit. Reality Audit is about applying that radical realism Burkeman insists on. Please list all your primary goals and dreams. However, for each one, you must list only the resources—time, money, skills, and connections—that you have available this week. Not next year, not after you get a raise. Right now. After conducting a ruthless audit, you must choose the single goal that aligns best with your current reality.
Jessica: A “Reality Audit.” That sounds brutal. Isn't that just a structured way to kill your most ambitious dreams? You're forcing people to pick the lowest-hanging fruit and overlook the goals that could truly transform their lives.
Arabella: I see the critique, but it's not about killing dreams. It's about applying Burkeman's core principle of working within your limitations to channel your finite energy where it can create momentum now. The other goals aren't gone forever; they're just on the back burner until your circumstances change. The principle is about escaping the paralysis that comes from pining for things you currently cannot attain.
Jessica: Okay, I'll concede that generating momentum is valuable. So, once I've chosen my one “realistic” goal, what's next?
Arabella: Part Two is The “Seed” Action Plan. The plan is about putting Burkeman's advice to ‘plant seeds for success' into practice. For that one goal you selected, you will identify the absolute smallest, most laughably simple action you can take to move it forward. If your goal is to write a book, the action isn't “write a chapter”; it's “open a document and write one sentence.” Then, you schedule a non-negotiable 15-minute block in your calendar for today to do only that one small thing.
Jessica: Fifteen minutes? One sentence? That feels almost pointless. How can such a tiny action possibly lead to significant achievement? It would create the illusion of progress without any real substance.
Arabella: That's the beauty of it. Burkeman argues that we get stuck because tasks seem too daunting. This micro-action makes it so easy that you have no excuse not to do it. Its purpose isn't to achieve the goal in one day but to break the cycle of inaction and to start building the habit of daily progress. It also creates a small victory you can track, which Burkeman says is key to building motivation.
Jessica: Fine, I can see the psychological benefit of a guaranteed small win. What's the final part of the exercise?
Arabella: Part Three is The “Flow & Flex” Journal. At the end of each day, you'll take five minutes to write down two things. First, note the “seed” action you completed, reinforcing the sense of accomplishment we just discussed. Second, you identify one moment in your day where you were interrupted, or things didn't go to plan, and you intentionally chose to “go with the flow” instead of resisting. You'll write down what that interruption was and what, if anything, came from it. Flow & Flex is a practical way to practice embracing resonance.
Jessica: Journaling about going with the flow sounds a bit passive. We're trying to achieve goals here, not just float through life. How does noting when you get distracted help you move forward? It would just normalize getting off track.
Arabella: It's not about normalizing distraction; it's about training your mind to stop seeing unpredictability as a catastrophe, which is a core source of our anxiety, according to Burkeman. By consciously engaging with an interruption instead of fighting it, you loosen your grip on the need for control. As Burkeman suggests, these interruptions can even provide unexpected inspiration or connection. This exercise combines the forward-moving, disciplined action of the ‘seed' with the mental flexibility required to find peace in the present, imperfect moment. It's the synthesis of his entire philosophy.
Jessica: So, his whole philosophy comes down to trading this grand, abstract idea of ‘success' for tangible, daily progress. It's a challenging shift in perspective.
Arabella: It is. It's about finding fulfillment within the life you have, not just the one you imagine—a powerful concept from Oliver Burkeman's Meditations for Mortals.
Jessica: We hope this conversation was helpful. As always, we welcome your feedback. Let us know what we should discuss next on averstance Take.
Arabella: Thank you for listening. Magnify The Unheard Voice and Assert Your Stand!
